I knew today was going to be one of those days . . .
I woke up this morning from a dream that had me in tears. I had a dream about my mother . . . she was in my Dallas home . . . hanging out . . with me. I was super happy to see her . . but she was moving away from me . . . as I got closer . . I realized that she was thin .. . and frail, I could see her bones. But she smiled at me, all the same, and pointed to her pelvis and told me "You come from there."
I woke up suddenly with anguish . . . and called my Dad immediately . . it was 8 am Central time. I scared him because it was early and I was in hysterics . . . I hadn't talked to my mom since last Monday . . the day they informed her that there would be no more chemo treatments. . . that they would be making her comfortable . . she was strong that day. My mom told me that she was looking forward to seeing Roscoe. It brought tears to my eyes because part of me knew . . . no matter how much I believed that God could work a miracle, that it was a high probability that she would not see my baby. The very next day, she refused to eat . . she stopped talking . . . and when she did . . she didn't make much sense at all.
You see, my mom had cancer, colon cancer, and it was eating her from the inside . .
When I saw her last, she didnt look like the mother I grew up with, she was tired . . tired of being in pain, tired of it all . . . but to know that she was looking forward to the arrival of my son, Baby Roscoe . . . gives me comfort . . .
Being in Dallas, it was hard . . . I made plans to go see her . . next Thursday in fact . .. but I was and am too late . . .
My mother died tonight at approx. 11 pm Pacific time . . .
I loved her . . . at this moment . . all I can remember or think about is how she loved me . . how she nurtured me . . . how she was proud of me . .. no matter what I did. . . nothing else matters to me right now . . .not the past, anyway . . .
I am crying because I am in awe of the cycle of life . . how the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh . . . how it was divined and how God tried to prepare me today . .
I am also crying because . . oddly enough . . my mother who would not talk to anyone . . talked to me today. I had an opportunity to tell her I loved her one last time . . TODAY. My sister called me this afternoon and put her on the phone . . but only after she warned me that my mother wasn't talking to anyone. She spoke to me ...
"Hi babe . . ." that is my Mom's standard greeting for me . . . She told me she was doing ok . . I told her I missed her and I loved her . . . I had to repeat it several times but she heard me and repeated it back . . . I told her I was coming to see her this upcoming week and she said she looked forward to it . ..
But then she got off . . she was tired . . .
I don't know what to say . . . God is good to me . . he revealed her to me this morning and gave me another chance to speak to her . . . I couldn't have asked for a better gift than that . . . I am grateful that I am learning to see God's hand in everything . . .
2009 . . has been a year . . . at first, I likened it to a life interrupted . . but . . . I have had revelations about myself, about others . . about life paths, about God . . . about my life path with God . . . the kinds of revelations that I never would have expected to have . . . And through it all . . . God has shown up in a variety of ways that I could never describe or articulate to anyone . . .
Not to mention that I have been blessed with the gift of a child . . . a child that will refocus and repurpose my life like never before . . . this is a job that the Lord clearly called for me to do and even though it was NOT on my time schedule . . it was clearly on His - call it an interruption, if you want to . .but He will show and tell you . . it was part of the plan.
In the Now . . . I thank God for my Mother . . who brought me here and provided me with a foundation of love and gratitude that I hope to be strong enough and wise enough to pass on to my son. I only hope that I can be the type of mother that makes her proud. I hope that when I see her again . . . I will be all that she wanted me to be.
There are so many feelings that I often have a hard time expressing to others . .. And there are so many times I want to share my thoughts but the words get lost as they stumble from my heart to my mouth . . so I remain quiet . . . hoping that my family and friends can hear me . . .
And there may be times when you feel the same. . . but I want you to know that even if no one else hears you . . God hears you . .. just keep praying out loud . . as I am . .
In my head, I can hear the Donnie McClurkin song . .
Speak to my heart, Lord . .
Give me Your Holy Word
If I can hear from YouThen I'll know what to do
I won't go alone, never go on my own
Just let Your Spirit guide
And let Your Word abide
Speak to my heart . . .
And with that, I am gone . . .
love to you all
