Announcing the Birth of Gavin Christopher!

The Chakalte Bean has sprouted!

Gavin Christopher Leffall is here!
Born on September 11, 2009 at 3:21pm at 7lbs, 12 oz, 20.7 inches long!!!

Check him out!

He is a dollface . .and I adore him already !  He is a perfect mix of his family . . .

I am looking forward to many more precious moments!

Lord,

I thank you for blessing me with one of your earthly angels . . . I am and will continue to stay prayerful and steadfast as this baby grows in YOU.

Amen.

It takes 21 days . . .

Son . .

Hey Son!

So my son and I . . .

My son would NEVER do anything like that . . .

So I am having a moment today . . not a big one .. just a little one . . .

I just realized that in my day to day mental digestion of the fact that I am going to be a Mom . . I had yet to get past the fact that the BABY that I have been talking about, dreaming about, loving to pieces . . . will one day be a bonafide SON.

A walking, talking, mannerable, respectable, well educated . . . SON. That revelation has tripped me out at several points today . . so I have been in prayer . .

The Lord knows I am not wise enough or even equipped to give him the wisdom and lessons that my Son will need . . so I am prayerful that He (the Lord) blesses me with the words and the prayer that will bring out the best in him and inspire him to greatness. And I also pray that he will be protected as the Lord promised all of his People.

Just thought I would share that thought as it was in passing . . . I love my Son!

Wow . . still digesting that . . . but I hear it takes 21 days to build a habit . . so I better get started now . .

Let's see if this works . . .

1st time trying to post a video . .

No one is gonna understand this . . and thats ok . . .

Oh my . . as I am up trying to clean and get my house in order . . I had some amazing revelations.

For a long time as I reflected on my life, there was a sense of sadness . . loss . . depression . . and immense rejection. Today, though, as the battleground is set . . . the more I think about navigating the future - i.e the wondering, the what if . . the "God will take care of it" plan . . . the "how is Cecilia gonna hold her shit" plan I am constantly realizing things . . Tonight I got two more . . .

1) No one can hurt anyone if there is no love there . .

With this underlying need to plot revenge, to make others hurt as I have hurt . . to nurture the desire to use the sharpest knife in the world to spread venom and wreck other peoples lives

I realized that knife had to be dulled . . . as a result I have completely "held my shit" No calls, no anger, no anything . . this eats me up sometimes . . actually, alot of the time. . but I am but a work in progress . . (that detail will have to be another post . . . :-) )

The beautiful lesson that I am having shoved down my throat is that:

You can't hurt some one if they don't care about you, somebody else or worst, themselves.

For drama sake, I am gonna leave that alone and let that resonate in the Milky.

2) Now . . this next revelation stems from this immense need to understand, to gain insight or justification from those who have hurt me . . . a need to hear their "reasoning" or logic behind their actions .. motives, etc. Now . . God and time, not to mention your friends will tell you that it doesn't matter but of course . . inquisitive minds, mainly ME, wanna know - "What the hell were you thinking? Why would you knowingly engage with someone if you weren't interested or didnt care . . or had someone else?

As I pondered this thought, the idea of rejection permeates my soul . . . but then I realized . . . that

Anyone who can do hurtful things to another soul with ease . . . could NOT possibly care about anyone ELSE either . . BECAUSE if they did . . they wouldnt do it.

In my case, I felt like I had lost the battle of the hearts . . . however, the ability for a supposedly taken heart to comingle with me . . . clearly suggests otherwise. No one is winning here . .. it is a interesting story for everyone.

Now I dont feel sorry for anyone in this fable that we have been engaging in. . . in fact, blame should be divvied up but wow . . what a revelation .. .

And with that . . Thanks be to God.

So here I am . . .

I haven't written in a while .. . why?

I have been battling back and forth . . thinking about what and how I want this blog to be . . .

Is it place to speak to my feelings about my baby or just a place to express feelings . . .?

Just like everything else in my life right now . . it will stay undefined and it will be what it is .. so without an explanation . . . I will use it as I see fit . . .

Motherhood is becoming . . . has become. . hell . . IS mind altering . . from loving myself to loving someone else, all while balancing the emotion of doing it alone. It is and can be a lonely place where everyone around you doesn't QUITE understand . .. I mean . . this IS a blessing . . . and yes God DID intend for it to happen . . but really, God, really . . like this? Like this right here? hmmmm .. .yes . . JUST LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

We are 3 1/2 wks and counting . . .

Life's Interruptions . . .

Words can not express my sorrow at this very moment . . . but I felt compelled to share this on my blog . . .

I knew today was going to be one of those days . . .

I woke up this morning from a dream that had me in tears. I had a dream about my mother . . . she was in my Dallas home . . . hanging out . . with me. I was super happy to see her . . but she was moving away from me . . . as I got closer . . I realized that she was thin .. . and frail, I could see her bones. But she smiled at me, all the same, and pointed to her pelvis and told me "You come from there."

I woke up suddenly with anguish . . . and called my Dad immediately . . it was 8 am Central time. I scared him because it was early and I was in hysterics . . . I hadn't talked to my mom since last Monday . . the day they informed her that there would be no more chemo treatments. . . that they would be making her comfortable . . she was strong that day. My mom told me that she was looking forward to seeing Roscoe. It brought tears to my eyes because part of me knew . . . no matter how much I believed that God could work a miracle, that it was a high probability that she would not see my baby. The very next day, she refused to eat . . she stopped talking . . . and when she did . . she didn't make much sense at all.

You see, my mom had cancer, colon cancer, and it was eating her from the inside . .

When I saw her last, she didnt look like the mother I grew up with, she was tired . . tired of being in pain, tired of it all . . . but to know that she was looking forward to the arrival of my son, Baby Roscoe . . . gives me comfort . . .

Being in Dallas, it was hard . . . I made plans to go see her . . next Thursday in fact . .. but I was and am too late . . .

My mother died tonight at approx. 11 pm Pacific time . . .

I loved her . . . at this moment . . all I can remember or think about is how she loved me . . how she nurtured me . . . how she was proud of me . .. no matter what I did. . . nothing else matters to me right now . . .not the past, anyway . . .

I am crying because I am in awe of the cycle of life . . how the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh . . . how it was divined and how God tried to prepare me today . .

I am also crying because . . oddly enough . . my mother who would not talk to anyone . . talked to me today. I had an opportunity to tell her I loved her one last time . . TODAY. My sister called me this afternoon and put her on the phone . . but only after she warned me that my mother wasn't talking to anyone. She spoke to me ...

"Hi babe . . ." that is my Mom's standard greeting for me . . . She told me she was doing ok . . I told her I missed her and I loved her . . . I had to repeat it several times but she heard me and repeated it back . . . I told her I was coming to see her this upcoming week and she said she looked forward to it . ..

But then she got off . . she was tired . . .

I don't know what to say . . . God is good to me . . he revealed her to me this morning and gave me another chance to speak to her . . . I couldn't have asked for a better gift than that . . . I am grateful that I am learning to see God's hand in everything . . .

2009 . . has been a year . . . at first, I likened it to a life interrupted . . but . . . I have had revelations about myself, about others . . about life paths, about God . . . about my life path with God . . . the kinds of revelations that I never would have expected to have . . . And through it all . . . God has shown up in a variety of ways that I could never describe or articulate to anyone . . .

Not to mention that I have been blessed with the gift of a child . . . a child that will refocus and repurpose my life like never before . . . this is a job that the Lord clearly called for me to do and even though it was NOT on my time schedule . . it was clearly on His - call it an interruption, if you want to . .but He will show and tell you . . it was part of the plan.

In the Now . . . I thank God for my Mother . . who brought me here and provided me with a foundation of love and gratitude that I hope to be strong enough and wise enough to pass on to my son. I only hope that I can be the type of mother that makes her proud. I hope that when I see her again . . . I will be all that she wanted me to be.

There are so many feelings that I often have a hard time expressing to others . .. And there are so many times I want to share my thoughts but the words get lost as they stumble from my heart to my mouth . . so I remain quiet . . . hoping that my family and friends can hear me . . .

And there may be times when you feel the same. . . but I want you to know that even if no one else hears you . . God hears you . .. just keep praying out loud . . as I am . .

In my head, I can hear the Donnie McClurkin song . .

Speak to my heart, Lord . .

Give me Your Holy Word

If I can hear from You
Then I'll know what to do
I won't go alone, never go on my own
Just let Your Spirit guide
And let Your Word abide

Speak to my heart . . .

And with that, I am gone . . .

love to you all

Hiccups

Who knew a hiccup could make you smile so big that your cheeks feel stretched????

I do NOW . . .

Sitting here loving my baby boy .. . he is funny . . he gets hiccups ALL THE TIME!

It helps because finally people can FEEL him . . . I love to share that with family and friends . . .

He is growing bigger and bigger every day and we are preparing mentally and spirtually to receive this gift . . .

Part of my preparation is to read the Book of Proverbs, 1 chapter a day (there are 31 chapters in the book - 1 for each day of the month), to remind myself of the wisdom of the Ages. And more importantly, the wisdom of the Lord.

So here is my sharing for the day ( I know the day/chapter is off but . .):

Proverbs 16:9 : In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Ain't that the truth, Lord!