It takes 21 days . . .

Son . .

Hey Son!

So my son and I . . .

My son would NEVER do anything like that . . .

So I am having a moment today . . not a big one .. just a little one . . .

I just realized that in my day to day mental digestion of the fact that I am going to be a Mom . . I had yet to get past the fact that the BABY that I have been talking about, dreaming about, loving to pieces . . . will one day be a bonafide SON.

A walking, talking, mannerable, respectable, well educated . . . SON. That revelation has tripped me out at several points today . . so I have been in prayer . .

The Lord knows I am not wise enough or even equipped to give him the wisdom and lessons that my Son will need . . so I am prayerful that He (the Lord) blesses me with the words and the prayer that will bring out the best in him and inspire him to greatness. And I also pray that he will be protected as the Lord promised all of his People.

Just thought I would share that thought as it was in passing . . . I love my Son!

Wow . . still digesting that . . . but I hear it takes 21 days to build a habit . . so I better get started now . .

Let's see if this works . . .

1st time trying to post a video . .

No one is gonna understand this . . and thats ok . . .

Oh my . . as I am up trying to clean and get my house in order . . I had some amazing revelations.

For a long time as I reflected on my life, there was a sense of sadness . . loss . . depression . . and immense rejection. Today, though, as the battleground is set . . . the more I think about navigating the future - i.e the wondering, the what if . . the "God will take care of it" plan . . . the "how is Cecilia gonna hold her shit" plan I am constantly realizing things . . Tonight I got two more . . .

1) No one can hurt anyone if there is no love there . .

With this underlying need to plot revenge, to make others hurt as I have hurt . . to nurture the desire to use the sharpest knife in the world to spread venom and wreck other peoples lives

I realized that knife had to be dulled . . . as a result I have completely "held my shit" No calls, no anger, no anything . . this eats me up sometimes . . actually, alot of the time. . but I am but a work in progress . . (that detail will have to be another post . . . :-) )

The beautiful lesson that I am having shoved down my throat is that:

You can't hurt some one if they don't care about you, somebody else or worst, themselves.

For drama sake, I am gonna leave that alone and let that resonate in the Milky.

2) Now . . this next revelation stems from this immense need to understand, to gain insight or justification from those who have hurt me . . . a need to hear their "reasoning" or logic behind their actions .. motives, etc. Now . . God and time, not to mention your friends will tell you that it doesn't matter but of course . . inquisitive minds, mainly ME, wanna know - "What the hell were you thinking? Why would you knowingly engage with someone if you weren't interested or didnt care . . or had someone else?

As I pondered this thought, the idea of rejection permeates my soul . . . but then I realized . . . that

Anyone who can do hurtful things to another soul with ease . . . could NOT possibly care about anyone ELSE either . . BECAUSE if they did . . they wouldnt do it.

In my case, I felt like I had lost the battle of the hearts . . . however, the ability for a supposedly taken heart to comingle with me . . . clearly suggests otherwise. No one is winning here . .. it is a interesting story for everyone.

Now I dont feel sorry for anyone in this fable that we have been engaging in. . . in fact, blame should be divvied up but wow . . what a revelation .. .

And with that . . Thanks be to God.

So here I am . . .

I haven't written in a while .. . why?

I have been battling back and forth . . thinking about what and how I want this blog to be . . .

Is it place to speak to my feelings about my baby or just a place to express feelings . . .?

Just like everything else in my life right now . . it will stay undefined and it will be what it is .. so without an explanation . . . I will use it as I see fit . . .

Motherhood is becoming . . . has become. . hell . . IS mind altering . . from loving myself to loving someone else, all while balancing the emotion of doing it alone. It is and can be a lonely place where everyone around you doesn't QUITE understand . .. I mean . . this IS a blessing . . . and yes God DID intend for it to happen . . but really, God, really . . like this? Like this right here? hmmmm .. .yes . . JUST LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

We are 3 1/2 wks and counting . . .