My sister friends . . my family .. .

This is one of my favorite pictures so far . . .

I love these ladies . . each of them embody a spirit that is filled with an undescribable love, depth and understanding that can not be described.

I hope one day you will meet them . . if not . . know i am in good hands . . .

Love you ladies!

Wait. . I am gonna get bigger . . .

In love . . .

So I had a great opportunity to see my baby in living color . . part of me wishes I hadnt spoiled it by looking in my belly . .

But considering the amount of the things that I dont know or can't see in my future .. the small glimpses of hope and happiness are "must knows". :-)

And what did I discover ? He looks like ME! well . . . he has the donor's lips but . . he looks like his MAMA!!! What a blessing . . .

I often sit and wonder about what I have gotten myself into . . . however . . now . . with his little picture here and his ability to let me KNOW that he is in my belly! His dancing has grown into little more than what I would describe as a minor frenzy . . his endurance has increased . . his legs are getting stronger . . . aww, my little MAN!

My favorite times are our late nights when I can watch my belly move . . . it is alienesque and not at all as scary as I thought it would be. In fact, it is the one thing that reminds me that I am not alone . . . anymore.

Here he is . . . btw!

Loving him more and more everyday . . .

It's been a while . . .

and i have been thinking . . good things mostly . . but mainly sitting in a state of contemplation. About what you ask . . well .. a ton of things .. . mainly my baby and what his world is going to be like when he is old enough to understand some things.

Will he understand? Will he yearn for something he feels he doesnt have? Will I be enough?

Sigh . . . just thinking . . .

Ticking time . .

So I haven't written in a while . . a part of me feels like not writing allows me to protect myself . . a little bit, anyway.  Not mentioning the unmentionables . .  i.e. the fear . . or the apprehension . . . etc.  Soooo in typical ME fashion . . I keep it to myself.

But I thought I would share a few random things that have been going on . . .

I am 6 months pregnant as of last Saturday . . . and I have still only gained 8 pounds!  Whoo hoo!!  Its all belly . . and really I just feel plain old fat, but I digress . . .

To catch up, I finally made the jump!  I went to Babies R Us . . and no one TOLD me the sheer information overload that would take place in such a hell hole.  Infant car seats, snap and go vs. stroller, the infamous wall of bottles, binkys and bibs!  ARGHHH!!!  After a really long day . . and an even more frustrating evening trying to register at the store, I had had enough.  The tears came . . . 

Why was I crying?  Man I don't know . . . but I felt overwhelmed and can not fathom trying to make sense of any of this.

Needless to say I made it through . . and sent out my L.A. Shower invite.  If you are in So. Cal  . . I hope you can make it!

The best part of the last few wks have been the movements of my baby.  Every once in a while . . . I think ok  . he's not moving but then . . there he goes . .. again . . and again . . . AND AGAIN!!! 

Its like this . . a friend of mine told me that people would never understand how sensitive I am  . . because I never give that off to anyone.  And it's true . . I feed off the energy of others so it is only when I am in my house . .and its quiet that I remember the gravity of the task that I am taking on.  But then . . just when I am feeling like "What the hell did I do?" , two things happen:

1) He moves . . . Feeling him move reminds me that I am not alone . . . EVER!  He is there, with me, right now . . . . wow . . what a thought!

And 2) I look up to see my friends outside my window.

Now before you think I am crazy  . . I have two geckos (at least I think thats what they are ) that visit me.  Now, they don't come out all the time . .. but they ALWAYS show up when  I am lonely.  I am sooo telling the truth.  One pops up on living room window and the other shows up on my bathroom window!  I call them Mickey and Robbie.

You might think I am crazy . . . but I believe that God is sending those little geckos to remind me that He will show up anywhere at anytime . .  when you least expect it and in maybe in a form . .  you weren't expecting either.  

If this didnt happen EVERY TIME I found  myself in an awkward space . .  I wouldnt believe it.  But it is . . . I have faith.

Update:  Guess who showed up while I was writing this post . . . Mickey!  Crazy huh?