Announcing the Birth of Gavin Christopher!

The Chakalte Bean has sprouted!

Gavin Christopher Leffall is here!
Born on September 11, 2009 at 3:21pm at 7lbs, 12 oz, 20.7 inches long!!!

Check him out!

He is a dollface . .and I adore him already !  He is a perfect mix of his family . . .

I am looking forward to many more precious moments!

Lord,

I thank you for blessing me with one of your earthly angels . . . I am and will continue to stay prayerful and steadfast as this baby grows in YOU.

Amen.

It takes 21 days . . .

Son . .

Hey Son!

So my son and I . . .

My son would NEVER do anything like that . . .

So I am having a moment today . . not a big one .. just a little one . . .

I just realized that in my day to day mental digestion of the fact that I am going to be a Mom . . I had yet to get past the fact that the BABY that I have been talking about, dreaming about, loving to pieces . . . will one day be a bonafide SON.

A walking, talking, mannerable, respectable, well educated . . . SON. That revelation has tripped me out at several points today . . so I have been in prayer . .

The Lord knows I am not wise enough or even equipped to give him the wisdom and lessons that my Son will need . . so I am prayerful that He (the Lord) blesses me with the words and the prayer that will bring out the best in him and inspire him to greatness. And I also pray that he will be protected as the Lord promised all of his People.

Just thought I would share that thought as it was in passing . . . I love my Son!

Wow . . still digesting that . . . but I hear it takes 21 days to build a habit . . so I better get started now . .

Let's see if this works . . .

1st time trying to post a video . .

No one is gonna understand this . . and thats ok . . .

Oh my . . as I am up trying to clean and get my house in order . . I had some amazing revelations.

For a long time as I reflected on my life, there was a sense of sadness . . loss . . depression . . and immense rejection. Today, though, as the battleground is set . . . the more I think about navigating the future - i.e the wondering, the what if . . the "God will take care of it" plan . . . the "how is Cecilia gonna hold her shit" plan I am constantly realizing things . . Tonight I got two more . . .

1) No one can hurt anyone if there is no love there . .

With this underlying need to plot revenge, to make others hurt as I have hurt . . to nurture the desire to use the sharpest knife in the world to spread venom and wreck other peoples lives

I realized that knife had to be dulled . . . as a result I have completely "held my shit" No calls, no anger, no anything . . this eats me up sometimes . . actually, alot of the time. . but I am but a work in progress . . (that detail will have to be another post . . . :-) )

The beautiful lesson that I am having shoved down my throat is that:

You can't hurt some one if they don't care about you, somebody else or worst, themselves.

For drama sake, I am gonna leave that alone and let that resonate in the Milky.

2) Now . . this next revelation stems from this immense need to understand, to gain insight or justification from those who have hurt me . . . a need to hear their "reasoning" or logic behind their actions .. motives, etc. Now . . God and time, not to mention your friends will tell you that it doesn't matter but of course . . inquisitive minds, mainly ME, wanna know - "What the hell were you thinking? Why would you knowingly engage with someone if you weren't interested or didnt care . . or had someone else?

As I pondered this thought, the idea of rejection permeates my soul . . . but then I realized . . . that

Anyone who can do hurtful things to another soul with ease . . . could NOT possibly care about anyone ELSE either . . BECAUSE if they did . . they wouldnt do it.

In my case, I felt like I had lost the battle of the hearts . . . however, the ability for a supposedly taken heart to comingle with me . . . clearly suggests otherwise. No one is winning here . .. it is a interesting story for everyone.

Now I dont feel sorry for anyone in this fable that we have been engaging in. . . in fact, blame should be divvied up but wow . . what a revelation .. .

And with that . . Thanks be to God.

So here I am . . .

I haven't written in a while .. . why?

I have been battling back and forth . . thinking about what and how I want this blog to be . . .

Is it place to speak to my feelings about my baby or just a place to express feelings . . .?

Just like everything else in my life right now . . it will stay undefined and it will be what it is .. so without an explanation . . . I will use it as I see fit . . .

Motherhood is becoming . . . has become. . hell . . IS mind altering . . from loving myself to loving someone else, all while balancing the emotion of doing it alone. It is and can be a lonely place where everyone around you doesn't QUITE understand . .. I mean . . this IS a blessing . . . and yes God DID intend for it to happen . . but really, God, really . . like this? Like this right here? hmmmm .. .yes . . JUST LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

We are 3 1/2 wks and counting . . .

Life's Interruptions . . .

Words can not express my sorrow at this very moment . . . but I felt compelled to share this on my blog . . .

I knew today was going to be one of those days . . .

I woke up this morning from a dream that had me in tears. I had a dream about my mother . . . she was in my Dallas home . . . hanging out . . with me. I was super happy to see her . . but she was moving away from me . . . as I got closer . . I realized that she was thin .. . and frail, I could see her bones. But she smiled at me, all the same, and pointed to her pelvis and told me "You come from there."

I woke up suddenly with anguish . . . and called my Dad immediately . . it was 8 am Central time. I scared him because it was early and I was in hysterics . . . I hadn't talked to my mom since last Monday . . the day they informed her that there would be no more chemo treatments. . . that they would be making her comfortable . . she was strong that day. My mom told me that she was looking forward to seeing Roscoe. It brought tears to my eyes because part of me knew . . . no matter how much I believed that God could work a miracle, that it was a high probability that she would not see my baby. The very next day, she refused to eat . . she stopped talking . . . and when she did . . she didn't make much sense at all.

You see, my mom had cancer, colon cancer, and it was eating her from the inside . .

When I saw her last, she didnt look like the mother I grew up with, she was tired . . tired of being in pain, tired of it all . . . but to know that she was looking forward to the arrival of my son, Baby Roscoe . . . gives me comfort . . .

Being in Dallas, it was hard . . . I made plans to go see her . . next Thursday in fact . .. but I was and am too late . . .

My mother died tonight at approx. 11 pm Pacific time . . .

I loved her . . . at this moment . . all I can remember or think about is how she loved me . . how she nurtured me . . . how she was proud of me . .. no matter what I did. . . nothing else matters to me right now . . .not the past, anyway . . .

I am crying because I am in awe of the cycle of life . . how the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh . . . how it was divined and how God tried to prepare me today . .

I am also crying because . . oddly enough . . my mother who would not talk to anyone . . talked to me today. I had an opportunity to tell her I loved her one last time . . TODAY. My sister called me this afternoon and put her on the phone . . but only after she warned me that my mother wasn't talking to anyone. She spoke to me ...

"Hi babe . . ." that is my Mom's standard greeting for me . . . She told me she was doing ok . . I told her I missed her and I loved her . . . I had to repeat it several times but she heard me and repeated it back . . . I told her I was coming to see her this upcoming week and she said she looked forward to it . ..

But then she got off . . she was tired . . .

I don't know what to say . . . God is good to me . . he revealed her to me this morning and gave me another chance to speak to her . . . I couldn't have asked for a better gift than that . . . I am grateful that I am learning to see God's hand in everything . . .

2009 . . has been a year . . . at first, I likened it to a life interrupted . . but . . . I have had revelations about myself, about others . . about life paths, about God . . . about my life path with God . . . the kinds of revelations that I never would have expected to have . . . And through it all . . . God has shown up in a variety of ways that I could never describe or articulate to anyone . . .

Not to mention that I have been blessed with the gift of a child . . . a child that will refocus and repurpose my life like never before . . . this is a job that the Lord clearly called for me to do and even though it was NOT on my time schedule . . it was clearly on His - call it an interruption, if you want to . .but He will show and tell you . . it was part of the plan.

In the Now . . . I thank God for my Mother . . who brought me here and provided me with a foundation of love and gratitude that I hope to be strong enough and wise enough to pass on to my son. I only hope that I can be the type of mother that makes her proud. I hope that when I see her again . . . I will be all that she wanted me to be.

There are so many feelings that I often have a hard time expressing to others . .. And there are so many times I want to share my thoughts but the words get lost as they stumble from my heart to my mouth . . so I remain quiet . . . hoping that my family and friends can hear me . . .

And there may be times when you feel the same. . . but I want you to know that even if no one else hears you . . God hears you . .. just keep praying out loud . . as I am . .

In my head, I can hear the Donnie McClurkin song . .

Speak to my heart, Lord . .

Give me Your Holy Word

If I can hear from You
Then I'll know what to do
I won't go alone, never go on my own
Just let Your Spirit guide
And let Your Word abide

Speak to my heart . . .

And with that, I am gone . . .

love to you all

Hiccups

Who knew a hiccup could make you smile so big that your cheeks feel stretched????

I do NOW . . .

Sitting here loving my baby boy .. . he is funny . . he gets hiccups ALL THE TIME!

It helps because finally people can FEEL him . . . I love to share that with family and friends . . .

He is growing bigger and bigger every day and we are preparing mentally and spirtually to receive this gift . . .

Part of my preparation is to read the Book of Proverbs, 1 chapter a day (there are 31 chapters in the book - 1 for each day of the month), to remind myself of the wisdom of the Ages. And more importantly, the wisdom of the Lord.

So here is my sharing for the day ( I know the day/chapter is off but . .):

Proverbs 16:9 : In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Ain't that the truth, Lord!

My sister friends . . my family .. .

This is one of my favorite pictures so far . . .

I love these ladies . . each of them embody a spirit that is filled with an undescribable love, depth and understanding that can not be described.

I hope one day you will meet them . . if not . . know i am in good hands . . .

Love you ladies!

Wait. . I am gonna get bigger . . .

In love . . .

So I had a great opportunity to see my baby in living color . . part of me wishes I hadnt spoiled it by looking in my belly . .

But considering the amount of the things that I dont know or can't see in my future .. the small glimpses of hope and happiness are "must knows". :-)

And what did I discover ? He looks like ME! well . . . he has the donor's lips but . . he looks like his MAMA!!! What a blessing . . .

I often sit and wonder about what I have gotten myself into . . . however . . now . . with his little picture here and his ability to let me KNOW that he is in my belly! His dancing has grown into little more than what I would describe as a minor frenzy . . his endurance has increased . . his legs are getting stronger . . . aww, my little MAN!

My favorite times are our late nights when I can watch my belly move . . . it is alienesque and not at all as scary as I thought it would be. In fact, it is the one thing that reminds me that I am not alone . . . anymore.

Here he is . . . btw!

Loving him more and more everyday . . .

It's been a while . . .

and i have been thinking . . good things mostly . . but mainly sitting in a state of contemplation. About what you ask . . well .. a ton of things .. . mainly my baby and what his world is going to be like when he is old enough to understand some things.

Will he understand? Will he yearn for something he feels he doesnt have? Will I be enough?

Sigh . . . just thinking . . .

Ticking time . .

So I haven't written in a while . . a part of me feels like not writing allows me to protect myself . . a little bit, anyway.  Not mentioning the unmentionables . .  i.e. the fear . . or the apprehension . . . etc.  Soooo in typical ME fashion . . I keep it to myself.

But I thought I would share a few random things that have been going on . . .

I am 6 months pregnant as of last Saturday . . . and I have still only gained 8 pounds!  Whoo hoo!!  Its all belly . . and really I just feel plain old fat, but I digress . . .

To catch up, I finally made the jump!  I went to Babies R Us . . and no one TOLD me the sheer information overload that would take place in such a hell hole.  Infant car seats, snap and go vs. stroller, the infamous wall of bottles, binkys and bibs!  ARGHHH!!!  After a really long day . . and an even more frustrating evening trying to register at the store, I had had enough.  The tears came . . . 

Why was I crying?  Man I don't know . . . but I felt overwhelmed and can not fathom trying to make sense of any of this.

Needless to say I made it through . . and sent out my L.A. Shower invite.  If you are in So. Cal  . . I hope you can make it!

The best part of the last few wks have been the movements of my baby.  Every once in a while . . . I think ok  . he's not moving but then . . there he goes . .. again . . and again . . . AND AGAIN!!! 

Its like this . . a friend of mine told me that people would never understand how sensitive I am  . . because I never give that off to anyone.  And it's true . . I feed off the energy of others so it is only when I am in my house . .and its quiet that I remember the gravity of the task that I am taking on.  But then . . just when I am feeling like "What the hell did I do?" , two things happen:

1) He moves . . . Feeling him move reminds me that I am not alone . . . EVER!  He is there, with me, right now . . . . wow . . what a thought!

And 2) I look up to see my friends outside my window.

Now before you think I am crazy  . . I have two geckos (at least I think thats what they are ) that visit me.  Now, they don't come out all the time . .. but they ALWAYS show up when  I am lonely.  I am sooo telling the truth.  One pops up on living room window and the other shows up on my bathroom window!  I call them Mickey and Robbie.

You might think I am crazy . . . but I believe that God is sending those little geckos to remind me that He will show up anywhere at anytime . .  when you least expect it and in maybe in a form . .  you weren't expecting either.  

If this didnt happen EVERY TIME I found  myself in an awkward space . .  I wouldnt believe it.  But it is . . . I have faith.

Update:  Guess who showed up while I was writing this post . . . Mickey!  Crazy huh?

The private dancer that makes me smile .. .

So two weeks ago, I was all about the anticipation of the "flutter" that is in my belly . . . At first, I was like " I have no clue what these mommies are talking about!"  I can't feel anything . . . 

I actually was a little worried - was he ok in there?  what if he isn't? Is my baby, ahem, slow??  The questions ran the gamut . . . but I was really a bit concerned.  But it was all for naught . . 

Because LAST week, the MoVeMeNt began . . .

At first, I couldnt really tell  . . like I said, I've been ahem . . having some stomach issues!  But then it started happening at, what can only be described as extremely random moments - well . . 5am may not be random to you or Roscoe - but it is definitely random to his Mama.  

Needless to say that was ONLY the beginning . .. Roscoe has now begun to develop patterns!  He likes to move and get his stretch on about 45 seconds after we eat something!  Apparently, he also likes spicy food!  I hope he eats his vegetables . . . 

The best part . . it is my own private moment!  Because he is only 1 pound, and the length of a banana . .  . I am the ONLY one who can enjoy HIM!  Jealous??  

You should be . . he is my own private little dancer . . . 

Oh by the way . . .

This is me . . NOW . . .

I am going to start posting weekly pictures . . including Belly shots . . I am ready now . . .

Last week, I teared up . . .

sooo .. its so good for me NOT to write on this thing everyday . . why, you ask??

Because my thoughts on this experience eare up and down . . but I am gonna blame it on the pregnancy . . . the emotions, all that crap, etc . . . 

Ok . . but ANYWAY, last week was fabulous!  The week all began with sheer craziness at work and the usual anxiety about my growing belly.  But I had an awesome time talking to some old friends who help reassure me that I have not changed and like all of my previous life experiences . .this will just be another one!

Then just to show you how God works . . I woke up on Wednesday  . .only to find that there was repetitive movement in my belly . . . IT WAS ROSCOE!!!  He was moving and this time I KNEW it was him .. not just some gaseous moment that always seems to overtake me ..  . haha!  Since then, he likes to check in  . .just to let me know that he is still in there . .and I like that . . .

As a result, as the week went on  . . I began to look forward to my trip to the Birth Center AND my appointment to see Roscoe again!  I was lucky enough to book both of them on the same day so I knew it was going to be great . .and furthermore . . Sarah, my sister/friend and doula  was going to go with me AND bring her joy, Walker Starr!  Good times abound!

 

Fast forward to Thursday . . I wasnt quite sure what I should expect at the Birth Center but it was MORE than I could have even expected.  It was decorated like an upscale Bed and Breakfast however like the Wizard in The Wizard of Oz . . there were all kinds of things going on behind the curtain . . .

But the Birth Center . . it was awesome . . www.birthcenter.net, if you want to see exactly what I am talking about.  Oh and if you are unaware, I am considering having a 100% natural birth - NOW, before any of you chime in .  . . this is MY decision . .so if you have negativity around it . . KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!  Now . .. if you want to discuss my reasons why I am considering it . . I am completely open to it.  I will detail everything out in a later post, of course.

But the visit was great, the women were friendly, open, caring and it was such a comforting environment . . . and to top it off . . Sarah and I had a  great lunch at La Cubanita! YUM!!!!

Afterwards  . . we were off to the Doctor's office. . . walked in . . rushed to the back and wow . . .

I saw Roscoe again . . and he has grown!  They checked all of his vitals - his little heart is strong - all of his chambers are intact. . . he is about the length of a banana and weighs a whopping 14 ounces!!!  Oh yes . . and since the last time I went in  .. 2 wks ago . . I had gained 1 pound!  (whoo-hoo  20 wks and only 7 lbs . . although my belly feels ginormous! but anyway  . .)

He is coming into his own . . and he was sooooo stubborn during this doctor's visit!  The poor sonographer had to work REALLY hard to get him to settle down . . he was giving us his backside for the entire time until he gave up . .and let us get a few shots . . .  I hope you enjoy and can see him . .  

I was waaayyyyy excited . . . my baby is growing up!  Let me know if you think he looks like his mama!

Blessings in the damndest places . .

Today was actually a great day . . . it was a long work day but I keep feeling phantom movements in my belly!  Not sure if its . .umm. .  (shhh .. .) gas or if it's Roscoe . .but hopefully he will be big enough, soon enough, for me to REALLY feel!

Quick update: Last week, I went to the doctor with Sarah, who has agreed to be my doula!  And we had a good visit.  Roscoe's heart beat is strong . . . and I have ONLY gained 6 pounds and I am 19 weeks!!!  WHAT??  Go ME!, Go ME!  I refuse to lose my sexy . . NO! NO! NO!

Anyway, I received some great words of wisdom from a dear friend/family member that uplifted my spirits . . 

The recap in short . . .

• He was THRILLED that Roscoe was coming into the world . . . why is that uplifting?  Well, honestly, I was surprised at how few folks actually expressed sheer joy about the coming of a baby - maybe they were trying to read MY mood, which I completely understand. .. for those of you who have seen the depths of my soul on this issue . . I get it . . believe me.  But I have prayed and I am in the process of moving to a better place and settled in on the reality of this life experience, so maybe thats why . .but all I know . . is he made me feel amazing!! And i have only felt that with 1 or 2 other people in my life . . . crazy . . .
  
• He explained why people may not react exactly the way I thought they would : Sometimes, I think I know how I come across to other people but guess what . . . not so much . . . Eugenius explained . . This very "human experience" that I am having may seem in direct opposition with this very hard core "business" shell that I have a tendency to show.  Who knew?  I have always considered myself quite sensitive AND for those who really KNOW me . . you already know this to be true.
• He reminded Me . . The Universe will allow me to show love and sensitivity through Roscoe: Hmmm . . never thought about that blessing . . but thats real . . . wow . . what an amazing experience . . .
• And lastly, he said . . "It may be uncomfortable, but CHANGE is uncomfortable". .. yet another PROFOUND statement for me. . .

Now some of you may be having an Oprah moment . . . and thinking "wow, that is common sense" or even better, " I said that same thing to her . . ." 

Well, all I can say is that you have to be ready to be ready . . and also charge it to my head and not my heart . . .  

Just my thoughts, folks . . love you  . . 

Just keep on living . . .

So . . part of the reason I started this blog was to provide an outlet for me to talk about how I was feeling . . . what I was experiencing and hopefully, give you, my friends and family, some insight into my head.  (Watch out though . .it's crazy in here!)  

As I have decided to embark on this journey, it is has been amazing to me to see how life can manifest itself.  Not only with this rascal growing in my belly, but more how the people closest to you learn to digest as well.

Now its not that I had not been warned before .. . 

When I was getting comfortable with the path that was laid out for me by God, I had a small army of people who were very helpful in thinking about  a few things, like what, you may ask . . . 

Well . . a few lessons:

1) You will lose friends in this process  - well maybe not lose but the relationships will definitely change

2) Enjoy your time of pregnancy, it is short - I am trying to do this everyday but it is a challenge . . . I am changing . . and  I am not quite sure how it will wind up long term . . but change is change.

3) Be ready to accept this gift . . . Roscoe = Gift . .. still digesting this one . . .  I am loving my baby already but this is a huge life change for me . .  don't worry   . . i will get there . . just "processing"

There are many more . . and I will share them as I gain greater insight to them . .. and eventually, greater insight to myself.

Week 18, part deux

Ok . . .  so I hope you can see this . . .

These pictures are from week 14 . . . my baby boy! OMG! 

He is getting so big . . but ummm . . I know that old saying . . a face only a mother could love but ummm .. .. this is alot to ask . . (whispering really quietly . . . he looks like an alien !!!!)

And his little belly is soooo big . . . 

But by far, my favorite is this one . . . 

And yes . . that is his little spine and his little hand . . I think he was done with pictures for the day . . you see he had moved all the way around from where he started!

I am growing in love more and more everyday . . .

Week 18 . . .. and it pops!

Alright . . 18 weeks . . whoo . . ummm .. the belly . . its big!

Amazingly enough, I am quite fond of it . . . Laughing at myself!  its super soft and smooth  . . thanks to all the coconut oil, almond oil, CRISCO . . that I am lathering on myself on a daily basis. 

I am not quite sure what it is but I have had a resurgence of my work life . . . crazily enough. . . not to say that I am thrilled by my job but I do feel a little bit of motivation.  Maybe because it keeps me from thinking about all the craziness that is my life right now . . .

Me ??? having a baby??? if you were to ask anyone who knows me . . hell, even people that don't know me . . it would be a far stretch for anyone to believe it or even call it.  It's interesting too because people don't even fake it . . they are stunned and they let me know . . not the best feeling in the world, but understandable.  I mean, like I said, Me??  Wow!

I guess I will put pics up of Roscoe's progression . . .  AND I would like to remind you that I KNEW it was a boy from day 1!  KNEW IT!  Go figure!

The 1st pics are Roscoe at 6wks. . . For those who need translation . . . the black circle . . is my uterus .. .  I know . . a little strange . .  and the white thing that looks like egg white and yolk is ROSCOE!!!  Aww . .. little booger!

Ok . . the next ones are 10 wks . ..  wow . . he looks like something . . oh  . . a baby . .. at the time, he was giving some serious moves . . . i mean chopping wood, doing the robot . . . kung fu fighting . . . i loved seeing it . . and the best part  . . . no one knew!

Ok . . I am still figuring this out . . so hold for the next post . . It is the BIG reveal!

Sooo . . .

Here we are April, 2009 . . . and I am pregnant with a little spirit that I am calling Roscoe.  (BTW, don't get all excited, it's just a pseudonym . .until I decide on its actual name!)

Now that may come as a surprise to most of you that I am even pregnant . . as it is a complete and utter surprise to me and I have known for a while. In fact, I am actually 17 weeks now and Roscoe will be arriving on or around September 11, 2009.

To bring you all up to speed, it is gonna take a while so stay tuned!  I will be updating this blog as my mood swings ..  ..

Peace to you all . . .